Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Welcome back to Spill the Tea Unfiltered.
Hey, guys.
Today we're back with Suzanne Fortnum, licensed professional counselor, and today we're going to talk about dating profile red flags that most people miss.
Suzanne, I know that you have.
[00:00:16] Speaker B: We are.
[00:00:17] Speaker A: Yes, Suzanne, I know you have a disclaimer. So. So go ahead and start with that.
[00:00:23] Speaker B: Sure. So this disclaimer is just a little bit longer than my typical disclaimers, and part of the reason for that, just to make listeners aware, is that we actually looked at real dating profiles to put this episode together. So I just want to make the disclaimer that this podcast is intended for educational and informational purposes only. The observations discussed are general patterns and should not be used to make definitive judgments about any individual.
On that note, dating profiles are complex and context always matters. So use these ideas as tools for reflection and discussion rather than rules or diagnoses.
[00:01:08] Speaker A: Perfect. Yeah. And I think this is going to be great, honestly, because.
So we sent. Suzanne is happily married, so she was not looking at dating profiles. So we, me and Amber looked through some and sent her some of the ones that we see. And.
And this will help explain why we are no longer on dating apps,
[00:01:30] Speaker C: literally.
[00:01:32] Speaker A: So, yeah, let us, Let us. Why don't you give us your.
Your thoughts?
[00:01:39] Speaker B: All right, so just some opening thoughts.
Many people think when they're on dating profiles or creating a dating profile that they're describing what it is they want in a partner, but what they're actually advertising so much of the time without recognizing it is their unresolved frustration.
So a dating profile isn't just information. It's often a snapshot of emotional availability, relationship readiness, communication style, unresolved hurts, and expectations for future partner.
One of the things that we should consider when we're looking at dating profiles is not the question, is this person a good person?
But the. But rather, what might it feel like to date this person based on what their profile is communicating to us?
[00:02:41] Speaker A: Yeah, I. I mean, honestly, it's one of the reasons why, like, I don't think I can make a dating profile myself anyway right now. Because I would. Because the unsolved hurts part, I'd be like, are you a piece of who cheats? Like, go away
[00:02:57] Speaker C: with me. It's like so many things that have been through, like, it's like just straight up stipulations, like, yeah, yeah. Are you a recovering addict? No. Red flag. Done.
[00:03:06] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. And it gets like, like, we don't want to have aggressive ones because we saw a bunch of aggressive ones. And so it's just one of those things that I'm like, if you're just not ready to date, then just don't like. And I think a lot of people are scared to be alone and everything else that we've talked about. So I think a lot of people just jump right back into dating, and I'm just.
No.
[00:03:24] Speaker B: Right. And I think you raise a good point there, that a lot of people don't recognize that they're not ready to be dating yet. And that comes through in the emotional tone of the profile.
And so many profiles fall into three categories.
One, curiosity.
I'm excited to meet someone.
To content. I'm happy with my life and open to connection.
And then the third, the one that is like the glaring red flag that we see. Bitter. I'm going to tell you everything that's wrong with dating. So examples are no games.
Tired of. Tired of nonsense Nobody can handle me don't waste my time.
And my favorite, not looking for any drama.
[00:04:18] Speaker A: Oh, that's my favorite, too, because I'm like, sir, that means you are the drama.
[00:04:22] Speaker B: Right?
[00:04:23] Speaker A: Because we know. We've seen that firsthand from our exes. So if you say, I don't like drama, then I'm immediately gonna be like, so you are drama.
[00:04:32] Speaker C: Like, you're the reason that there is drama.
[00:04:34] Speaker B: Right, right.
And so. Sorry, go ahead.
[00:04:39] Speaker A: No, no. So I. Well, it's just.
It's so funny because it's just so aggressive.
Like, these are actual things that people that a lot of the men that we sent you said, like, multiple profiles had these things in them. And so it'd be like, you know, I'm tired of the nonsense. And I'm like, but what is nonsense today? And I think that's part of it is it's like, is it nonsense because a woman stood up to you? Because a woman said, like, I don't like how you're treating me so, and called you out on it? Because I think that is a lot of what's happening today with men. And they don't like it because women are just like, no, we're not putting up with this anymore. And a lot of men really don't like that.
Right.
[00:05:22] Speaker B: And then another piece to this, too is like, when we enter a relationship or even pursue dating, we all bring baggage into it. Like, you know, when you're in your 30s or your 40s or you're dating, you got a lifetime of baggage that you're bringing in, some resolved, some unresolved. And so one of the things to consider is, is this profile introducing me to the person or is this profile introducing me to their wounds?
[00:05:54] Speaker A: Yeah. And I think that's something very good to look at. Like, I think that that 100% is a lot of it is like, okay, so they've been through something to make them say these things that they're saying.
And I think that it's good to have, like, some of your non negotiables on a dating site. Right. Like, for Amber, one of her non negotiables is addicts. Like, if you've. If you've been an addict or a prior addict, no mind smoking of any kind.
And including vaping, right? Including vaping,
[00:06:26] Speaker C: yeah. Like, I have to. I'm on. I'm on her side with that, though.
[00:06:30] Speaker A: Yeah. But like, with Dick. Hiding the vaping from. He hid it from me. He didn't hide it from you, though, did he?
Did he hide vaping from you?
[00:06:37] Speaker C: No, because he. Well, he did for a minute, and then we went to Nashville, and then he did it in front of me because I was like, I didn't even know you vaped.
[00:06:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:45] Speaker A: Because he hides it. And I mean, he hid it in our own house, so it's wild.
[00:06:51] Speaker C: I mean, vaping I don't care as much about as cigarettes, because cigarettes, like, oh, they stink.
[00:06:56] Speaker A: Yeah. Baby doesn't stink as bad. But my thing is, is I just don't want, like, I don't want any kind of smoke, like, around me, so. And so many people, especially in the south, smoke.
[00:07:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:05] Speaker A: So it's just. I'm like, gross. So I think, like, having non negotiables up there is fine, but it's when it gets aggressive that it ends up being, like, an issue. Like, I think, would it be better to say, like, a non negotiable of mine is smoking of any kind? You know, like, not like, you better not smoke.
[00:07:25] Speaker B: Right.
I mean, I think that's the emotional tone piece.
[00:07:30] Speaker A: Right.
[00:07:31] Speaker B: Like, how we say things matters, how we convey things in writing in a dating profile matters. Because this is really our first introduction to the person. It's not that initial like, hey, what's up? Or hey, want to chat? Or however those conversations start.
[00:07:51] Speaker A: Right. Because, like, with all the ones I sent you, I wouldn't have swiped right on any of them.
[00:07:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:58] Speaker A: Just based on their profile. I was like, no, it's been a
[00:08:01] Speaker C: long time since I swiped right on anybody.
[00:08:03] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:04] Speaker C: I had to log off.
[00:08:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
So for the complaint profile, do you
[00:08:11] Speaker B: want to jump into the red flags?
[00:08:12] Speaker A: Yeah, let's jump into why it's a red flag.
[00:08:15] Speaker B: Okay. So as I went through this, there were several themes that emerged, and I identified them as red flags. So red flag number one was the complaint profile. So some common examples were, no games.
Again, my favorite, no drama.
Don't waste my time.
Tired of fake people, Sick of dating apps. These phrases often come across from real frustrations and disappointing experiences. However they dominate the profile, they can signal that someone is still emotionally focused on past dating problems rather than future possibilities.
Instead of learning who a person is, the reader is given a list of what they dislike. Like, which can create a negative first impression and make genuine connection difficult. Another issue with this is not just the negative first impression, but also when we're thinking about that in the context of somebody's emotional wounds, sometimes we might identify with that wound.
[00:09:23] Speaker C: Right.
[00:09:24] Speaker B: And lean into it. But that could also result in an unhealthy dating pattern. From two. When two people are getting together as a result of the same wound.
[00:09:37] Speaker A: Yeah. It's like, that's like a immediate trauma bond.
[00:09:40] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:09:41] Speaker B: Right.
[00:09:41] Speaker A: Like, you know, it's like, oh, well, you've been cheated on. Well, I've been cheated on. So let's bond about how we hate people because they cheat.
[00:09:47] Speaker C: It's not really, like, a true connection. Like, it's not something that's going to grow later.
[00:09:52] Speaker A: Right.
[00:09:53] Speaker B: What it.
What it does is it keeps the relationship focused, or it can keep the relationship focused on this single thread of. Yeah, we have this in common.
And so the issue isn't necessarily the statement itself. The issue is when the profile becomes a list of grievances rather than an introduction.
[00:10:18] Speaker C: Right.
[00:10:19] Speaker A: Because then you're looking at it and you're like, I don't know who this person is. I just know that they hate this, this, this, and this. And it's like, okay, but what do you. Do you like anything?
[00:10:26] Speaker C: And like, we. We know their. The history they went through, but, like, that's all we actually know about them, and that's all we have in common with that person.
[00:10:35] Speaker B: Right.
And sometimes when we try to branch the relationship out, it can be hard to know where to go. Right. Like, do I. Do we even like doing the same things?
Do we like the same kind of people to hang out with socially?
[00:10:59] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:11:00] Speaker B: And all of that matters.
[00:11:01] Speaker A: Yeah. Like your hobbies and everything else. We don't. We literally know nothing.
[00:11:05] Speaker B: Right.
[00:11:06] Speaker A: So it's. And then it's like. And I. For me, I've been around people that are super negative all the time.
Dick was one. He was very, very negative. But he would he would twist it and be like, you're being negative. Because I would, like, say no to, like, buying something. But he himself was like.
It was. Something was always wrong, whether it was at a restaurant or it was at work or it was something like. He never had a day where he was just like, yeah, today was a good day. It was always like, well, they sucked because.
And those people are exhausting. So if you have all that negativity on your dating profile, I don't want anything to do with it. Like, I don't want to be negative all the time.
[00:11:42] Speaker C: Well, for me, like, it kind of rubs off on me too. So then, like, I get in, like, a weird funk mood because I've been around so much negative energy for so long. I can't, Like, I cannot be around negative people for a long time. Like, you choose if you have a bad day, right? It's not that you have a bad day. You made that choice.
[00:12:00] Speaker A: Yeah, right? I mean, bad things really do happen. Like, if your cat gets sick or something, then that's like, yeah, that sucks.
[00:12:05] Speaker C: But, like, that your cat getting sick doesn't have to determine how your whole day is gonna be.
[00:12:10] Speaker A: Right?
[00:12:11] Speaker B: And there's a difference between, like, a crisis happening and an energy vampire.
[00:12:17] Speaker A: Literally.
[00:12:18] Speaker C: Literally.
[00:12:19] Speaker A: I mean, I smashed. I smashed the living God out of my finger on what, Friday?
[00:12:23] Speaker C: And we still laughed at the end
[00:12:24] Speaker A: of the day, and we still. Oh, we were c. I was cackling. I'm like, I have no fingernail.
[00:12:29] Speaker C: Her finger looks like a dead body.
[00:12:31] Speaker A: It's. It's insane.
[00:12:32] Speaker B: Bandage that I can't see.
[00:12:34] Speaker C: Yeah, it is so gross. She keeps trying to, like, show me the full thing, but the. I just seen the back of it, and it literally looks like a dead body.
[00:12:42] Speaker A: Yeah, it was bad. It was that. But you know what else? I still went to the gym Saturday and. And yesterday and today.
[00:12:49] Speaker C: So it's not.
[00:12:50] Speaker A: You know, I was like, I could. I could use this and be like, oh, my finger. And I'm like, no, we still recorded. We still did everything. My friend was in town over the weekend. She was like, are you sure you want to go do all this stuff? I was like, yeah, girl. Whatever.
[00:13:00] Speaker C: Just a finger. Other nails done.
[00:13:02] Speaker A: I did
[00:13:05] Speaker B: not. Surprise me.
[00:13:06] Speaker A: The rest of my nails look great. And then in my. My nail lady was like.
I was like, what? Just ignore it. It's fine.
[00:13:13] Speaker B: Um, she's like, I don't want to touch that.
[00:13:15] Speaker A: Yeah, literally. I mean, I also don't want to touch it. It's fine.
That's Fair. But yeah. So, like. Like Amber said, like, you can be.
Shit happens, but you can also still continue to be, like, positive and just kind of be like, well, there's nothing I can do about it now, so let's scoot on by and keep on living.
[00:13:33] Speaker B: Right?
[00:13:33] Speaker C: Like, yeah. Like, look for the resolutions, what you can fix, what you can do. Now, work through your problems, but don't let it dictate your entire day.
[00:13:41] Speaker B: Yeah, exactly.
[00:13:44] Speaker A: Let's do red flag number two.
[00:13:46] Speaker B: This is another good one.
And I saw this in so many profiles. It was the I'm just honest.
And you know what? There were a lot of people that were just. They really were honest. A little too honest.
[00:14:09] Speaker C: I think we all have that friend, though, in real life, too, where you're just like, why are you so honest?
[00:14:14] Speaker A: It's me.
I am the problem.
[00:14:17] Speaker C: She's the problem.
[00:14:18] Speaker A: Well, and it's funny that you say that, though, because I will say me and Suzanne have had this conversation how many times. Suzanne, like, so she'll be like, lauren,
[00:14:24] Speaker C: do you need to.
[00:14:25] Speaker A: But you don't need to say it that way. And I'm like, but they need to know they suck. Like, she's like, but you could say it nicer.
[00:14:32] Speaker B: I'm like, no, you're like, but I'm just a direct person.
[00:14:38] Speaker A: And you're like, we're gonna work on this. So. So, yeah, I suffer from this situation. However, I wouldn't put it on a dating profile.
[00:14:47] Speaker B: Right.
And this goes back to, like, the first impressions thing.
[00:14:52] Speaker A: Right?
[00:14:52] Speaker B: This is your introduction to the person that you're dating, a person that you want to be your potential partner. And some of the common statements that I saw were, I'm brutally honest.
People can't handle my honesty.
I like to tell it like it is.
[00:15:12] Speaker A: Yeah. They tell us they want us barefoot, pregnant in the kitchen, and that's why we have problems with them.
[00:15:16] Speaker C: I'm too mouthy for somebody who is like that. Like, they don't want these problems.
[00:15:21] Speaker A: Right?
[00:15:22] Speaker B: Right. And here's the thing.
Honesty is healthy when it is direct, respectful, and kind.
But the patterns that I'm talking about that I saw were. Was unhealthy honesty. So it was harsh or often, like, aggressive towards previous partners, even if they. They wouldn't name previous partners, obviously. But you could tell there was, like, that leftover baggage, sometimes defensive.
And then the other huge red flag was lacking accountability. Like, we're all accountable to some extent for what happens in our relationships.
And with the I'm just honest profile, there was a Real lack of that.
[00:16:15] Speaker A: And that's interesting too because, because I am such an honest person, I'm honest with myself too. I, I, as you know, will openly admit when I up and so I'll be like, yeah, that was a dick move of me. And like, I'll go back to somebody and be like, sorry, I was being an asshole. Like, like, I mean, I've learned many
[00:16:34] Speaker B: times sometimes when you're like wanting to be honest with someone, you're like, I realize I'm going to come across as an asshole, but this is what I want to say. I know what I'm going to say.
[00:16:48] Speaker A: Yeah, this is what I'm going to say to you. And you're like, okay, let's, let's dissect this and let's make it nicer. And I'm like, you're like my own personal chatbots to calm me down and then make it sound better before I actually talk to somebody because I'm like, I'm gonna lose my.
And yeah, I mean, to be fair, I have at least with my. I will say this with my friends and stuff. I'd rather be honest and them know where they stand with me than be a fake friend. And my friends have no idea where they actually stand with me. And at least two, I'll, I'll be so honest that I'll say things like, sorry, I don't have time to put this in chat. GPT and make it nice, right, Because I'm busy. And I've literally said that exact sentence.
[00:17:27] Speaker C: She asked. I was in the group chat for it.
But I mean, I'm like non confrontational. So I'm just like, damn it, Lauren.
[00:17:37] Speaker A: She just ignores everything. She's just like, here's a picture of my cat.
[00:17:42] Speaker B: That's me. Amber's like trying to like soften the blow that Lauren is delivering.
[00:17:47] Speaker A: I think we were good for this together because we are the opposite.
[00:17:50] Speaker C: I'm over here like, look at Biggie. Like, why is he doing this? And they're like.
[00:17:55] Speaker A: And I'm like, no, I'm going to keep going.
But I think like, again, why on a dating app though? Like, that's not something that belongs on a dating app. Those are things that like, this was a friendship that's, you know, of someone I've known like for well over a year. Like, it's not like I'm on a dating app. Like, I'm going to be real honest. I want my man to make 100k and be 6 foot and have blue eyes and like those Things. It's just weird, right?
[00:18:21] Speaker B: It's just weird, right?
So I think a key takeaway here with this red flag is that honesty without empathy and accountability is not emotional maturity.
[00:18:35] Speaker C: I 100 agree with that.
[00:18:37] Speaker A: Are these men lacking empathy? Like, it seems like a lot of them are. Like, it seems like a lot of the men that we, we saw these profiles for are either a, lacking, lacking empathy or just don't have the emotional intelligence to have empathy.
[00:18:51] Speaker B: It could be a combination of both. I do think like the accountability, accountability piece is a, like a significant contributing factor because a lot of the profiles I look like, it was like there was a lot of blame and it felt like some of that blame was being displaced.
[00:19:12] Speaker C: I feel like a lot of times people don't take time to like self reflect and like really consider like, okay, so maybe I was honest, but like also what else, like what could I have done differently? Right.
To you know, communicate more effectively.
[00:19:28] Speaker B: Right, right.
And that self reflection is key, especially after getting out of a long term relationship and getting back into dating. Like, give yourself a little time, people.
[00:19:46] Speaker C: One of my favorite ones that I like to see on dating websites is the. Oh, I don't know what I'm looking for. Well, if you don't know what you're looking for, then obviously you're not ready. Like take some time.
[00:19:55] Speaker B: Right?
Right.
[00:19:57] Speaker C: If you don't know why you're here, then why are you here?
[00:20:00] Speaker A: Because they're bored and they don't like to be alone.
[00:20:03] Speaker C: I just don't understand, like what are you looking for then?
[00:20:07] Speaker B: Right.
[00:20:08] Speaker C: If you want sex, say that.
[00:20:09] Speaker A: Right.
[00:20:10] Speaker C: I'm sure there might be somebody out there for you.
[00:20:14] Speaker B: There probably is.
The other thing that I have heard from people that like, there are people that like click all the boxes.
[00:20:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:20:22] Speaker B: They want everything. And so it's like, what do you really want?
[00:20:26] Speaker A: Right.
[00:20:27] Speaker C: Because they don't honest about it.
[00:20:28] Speaker A: Yeah. They don't want to narrow down their pool.
[00:20:32] Speaker B: Right.
[00:20:32] Speaker A: So they put everything which then in turn for people who actually want like a serious relationship are going to be like, if you should immediately be like, well, no, cause I'm not okay with any of these other things.
[00:20:41] Speaker C: Right.
Which I really think that like the dating website set it up to where like people are just looking for the next best thing. So like they're like, oh, I don't know what I want until like they see like they scored outside of their league or whatever. Then they're like, okay, maybe, maybe that's what I want. Yeah, maybe that's what I want.
[00:20:58] Speaker B: Now And I think, like, true honesty when it comes to dating profiles is getting clear about what you want. So as your scroll, as people are scrolling through dating profiles, what are people saying? Did they check every box?
Mm.
[00:21:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
So the next red flag I find very interesting. Sudie, you want to go into the next one?
[00:21:24] Speaker B: Sure.
So this happens so much. I see this all the time with clients that I meet, and this is instant intimacy.
Instant intensity or high intensity.
So some examples are.
And these were the words. But then I also see it have it described to me with clients about what the dynamic of the relationship feels like when people get into it. But some examples in profiles that communicate the intimacy and intensity or I require all of you. That was a true quote. That's right.
I mean, I don't know that it's healthy for anybody to give all of themself to one other person.
[00:22:19] Speaker C: No.
[00:22:22] Speaker B: Total commitment, unconditional love.
Put us first.
You won't be able to handle my transparency. And I had a hard time with this one. I was like, does this go under honesty or intensity?
[00:22:38] Speaker A: Yeah, it's both. Right.
[00:22:41] Speaker B: Wanting deep connection with somebody else is healthy to an extent, but expecting emotional intimacy before there's emotional safety established is not.
[00:22:54] Speaker A: Yep.
And that's funny because that's something that the TV show off campus did really well.
And there's a. There's a scene where two of the characters are, like, talking about, like, getting together. Like, he's trying to get advice for, like, sleeping with somebody who had been sexually assaulted. And the guy was like, she needs. You know, the number one thing for anybody when you're being intimate is emotional safety and trust. And it's something they actually discussed. And I was like, look at these, like, emotionally intelligent college men. So this is completely fake, but look at it like, yes, I love this because that is true. Like, you have to be emotionally safe before you can get into that, like, deep emotional, like, intimacy part of it.
[00:23:38] Speaker B: Right.
And so often feeling seen or feeling chosen is mistaken for emotional safety.
[00:23:50] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:23:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:23:52] Speaker C: Especially when, like, somebody goes in really intense and they start love bombing from the beginning.
[00:23:58] Speaker A: I mean, that was me. 100. I. Why 100 thought, like, it was safety or something. Like, I was like, oh, my God. I've never felt this, like, loved before. This is amazing.
It wasn't.
[00:24:09] Speaker C: That does touch on, like, what we've talked about before with, like, when you meet somebody and they are super intense at the beginning and. And then eventually, like, that does, like, it goes from being intense to, like, there's some, you know, controlling features and potential abuse.
[00:24:27] Speaker B: Right. Initially, and we talked about this in a episode earlier this year, is like, with the abuse piece, it doesn't start or it doesn't end where it begins, but with this particular red flag that, like, somebody wanting all of you, constantly calling, constantly checking in is a red flag. That. That could be a precursor.
Not always, but it could. It could be indicative, and it's something to pay attention to.
[00:24:58] Speaker A: You have a good point on, like, the paper that you. That you wrote out for this, too, with the watch. For people who seem, like, attached to the idea of the relationship more than the actual person, which is 100% accurate. Like, that's the thing is, like, if they want.
They care more about just being in a relationship. They don't care who it is. They just don't want to be alone. They just want to be in it. And, I mean, that goes for both men and women.
But, yeah, it's. It does feel like a lot of these profiles were like that. Like, they were just like, I'm ready.
I'm ready to find my person. A lot of them say the same thing. It's obviously from Judge Beauty. It's, like, looking for my adventure buddy, ready to find my next person and the love of my life and blah, blah, blah. And I'm just like, okay, do you not care who it. Like, I don't. I truly don't think they care who it is. They just do not want to be alone.
[00:25:47] Speaker C: Well, and, like, also, so, like, being in our late 30s, a lot of them just want to find somebody who have kids with them if they don't already have kids, because that's, like, a whole thing. They're like, I'm looking for a mother of my child. It's not gonna be me, baby. Right? Not gonna be me.
Could not be me.
[00:26:04] Speaker B: Right? Yeah.
[00:26:07] Speaker C: But it, like, really gets down to the point where, like, that's all they actually care about. They, like, are very reassuring at the beginning. Like, do you want kids? Do you want this? And, like, you can tell through the conversation that that's really all they're looking for.
I'm not gonna be your baby mama. Right.
[00:26:24] Speaker B: And that kind of profile gives you an indicator of what you're signing yourself up for.
[00:26:32] Speaker A: So run, ladies, run. Don't walk.
[00:26:34] Speaker C: Run, forest, run.
[00:26:37] Speaker B: Shall we move on to red flag number four?
[00:26:39] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:26:41] Speaker B: So, again, tying in with the idea of abuse, but not always is hidden control language. And some of these were actual quotes from profiles that we saw. So actually, I think all of them are.
[00:27:04] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:27:05] Speaker B: Yes. All of them. Are so be clingy.
Watch my location.
Passenger princess.
[00:27:16] Speaker A: I hate that term.
[00:27:18] Speaker B: I've never heard that term before.
[00:27:20] Speaker A: She likes to be the passenger.
[00:27:21] Speaker C: 100% am the passenger princess.
[00:27:24] Speaker A: Yeah, she is. I hate it. I'm like, no, no, I'm gonna be in control of the car.
[00:27:28] Speaker B: I. I had to ask Chachi about that one. I was like, what's the. What's a passenger Princess?
[00:27:33] Speaker A: What is this?
[00:27:34] Speaker B: Right?
I'll plan the dates, and if you're not willing to communicate exactly what I want, don't bother.
[00:27:44] Speaker A: Yeah, and so some of these sound great, right? Like, it, like, in. In.
In a world where it's like, oh, this guy just, like, knows what he wants or.
[00:27:52] Speaker C: Right?
[00:27:53] Speaker A: Like, I do think it's that men should plan more dates. I think that's something that we've. Women always have to do, and I think it's bull crap. Like, women shouldn't be the ones always having to plan the dates and stuff.
[00:28:04] Speaker C: I don't know. I like an input in this.
[00:28:06] Speaker A: Well, yeah, but I do like a guy that could actually be like, hey, I made reservations, right? And, like, actually, like, stepped it up and did this. But as you said, there is some hidden control in all this. Like, it's like, I want you to be clingy because I want you to be obsessed with me.
[00:28:21] Speaker C: Right?
[00:28:22] Speaker A: I want you to watch my location because I'm gonna watch yours.
[00:28:25] Speaker B: Right?
[00:28:26] Speaker A: I want you to be a passenger princess because I want to control the car, and I want to have control on everything that happens in the car.
You know, I want to play in the dates because I want to control where we go and what we do.
And so if you're not, it's. And. And how do you tell? Like, it's hard to tell, like, which guys are actually, like, you know. No, I just don't want you to have to plan all the dates and it's like, you know, that situation or it's. I'm going to plan all the dates, and we're going to do exactly what I want when I want, right?
[00:28:51] Speaker C: Well, see, like, when I read them, that's exactly my first, like, my first thought is, okay, like, he has, like, a control feature to him. Like, he wants to plan all the dates. Like, are you going to ask me what my opinions are? Are you going to ask me, like, maybe what I want to do? Or is it just going to be exactly what you want to do and that's it every time?
[00:29:10] Speaker A: Are you going to be the guy that orders for me at the restaurant? Because that's a no go. Liked those guys. And there are guys out there who will do that. Oh, she'll have this, she'll have the salad or whatever. And when I hear women tell me their stories and that a man does that, I am, like, flabbergasted.
[00:29:26] Speaker B: And not even just order for me, but, like, that you're going to be okay with what I'm choosing for you to put in your body.
[00:29:38] Speaker A: It's almost like body autonomy is an issue that women have.
[00:29:44] Speaker B: Oh, it is.
[00:29:45] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:29:46] Speaker B: And a lot of these profiles seem less like they want a partner and more like they're trying to force compliance.
[00:29:56] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:29:57] Speaker C: Oh, yeah, 100%.
[00:29:58] Speaker A: And that's terrifying because with the. The fact that, like, I. I literally went through apps for five minutes and sent you profiles.
[00:30:08] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:30:09] Speaker A: And that's how much of this came out of. Like, this is just from literally five minutes of looking and almost. And I almost screenshotted every single one. There were very, very few that I was like, nah, that one's decent. Like, I almost shot. Screenshotted every single one because of how
[00:30:24] Speaker B: bad they were, which is scary.
[00:30:28] Speaker A: And a lot of the ones I didn't screenshot just didn't have anything. It would just be, like, their basic info, but nothing else. Like, they didn't have profile, which for me is an immediate red flag in its own so.
[00:30:40] Speaker B: Right, yeah.
[00:30:40] Speaker C: Because, like, if you're not going to take the time to even fill it out with anything, then, like, you're really not here for anything serious.
[00:30:47] Speaker B: Right, right.
[00:30:48] Speaker A: So let's talk about red flag number five.
[00:30:51] Speaker B: All right, so red flag number five really brings us back to this idea of unresolved wounds and how they play into dating profiles. So I called this one contempt disguised as standards.
So some examples of profiles were entire profiles criticizing exes.
Maybe not directly, but, like, you could see the theme that they were referencing. Previous relationships, attacks on dating apps. Like, I hate the apps. Want to get off the apps.
I mean, I think everybody who's on a dating app wants to get off the date.
[00:31:34] Speaker A: Yeah, nobody wants to be on those apps. They suck.
[00:31:37] Speaker C: They're horrible.
[00:31:38] Speaker B: Exactly. Broad complaints about women or men and then negative assumptions about strangers. So one of the strongest predictors of relationship dissatisfaction if. Is if somebody is carrying contempt with them.
[00:31:59] Speaker A: Yeah. So what's the difference between, like, contempt versus, like, standards?
[00:32:02] Speaker B: So standards are healthy. Standards are.
These are my non negotiables in a relationship. Like, and your non negotiables. Like, Amber. I'm going to use Amber's. But hers is like, I Don't date like addicts or former addicts in recovery. But so that, that is like one example of a standard that applies to another person. But a standard for you could also be like, I'm not going to lose myself in this relationship. And what that means can be very individual, but it can be like, if I have a really healthy fitness regimen, I'm not going to compromise that to fit it around your schedule. Or if you're someone that has like a very structured bedtime or sleep routine, like let's say you don't go out late or don't stay out late, but the other person's like, I like talking to you on the phone late, or this is the only time I can do it or I really want you to sleep at my place.
That's also an example of a non negotiable. And you can adjust those standards over time.
But right out of the gate, if, if you find yourself doing that, that's something that you need to take a look at.
[00:33:25] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, I.
It's definitely point important to keep your standards, but you don't want to be somebody who's criticizing others more than like talking about like what, who they are as a person. And that's what a lot of these apps are doing.
[00:33:43] Speaker B: Right.
[00:33:44] Speaker A: So red flag number six, the fantasy relationship. Let's talk about that.
[00:33:49] Speaker B: Yeah. So we've actually done an entire podcast episode on this where we talked about projecting potential onto a future partner or a person that we're dating. And the fantasy, fantasy relationship is really the same idea. How it comes across in dating profiles are things like, we'll be dancing in the kitchen from a real profile. Everyone.
I already know exactly what our relationship will look like. Who wants that? There's no surprise.
And then elaborate visions of future intimacy before the first, before our first conversation. So these profiles can sound romantic. The concern is when someone becomes attached to the fantasy before getting to know the actual person.
And when you're looking at a date dating profile, depending on what you are bringing into dating, you might attach to the idea and be more attached to the idea than the actual person.
[00:34:59] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely.
Because we first I looking at these, whenever I saw these, my first thought was chat GPT like immediately I was like, like either that or these men are like, I think this is what women want to hear. Because I would love to know if the person dancing in the kitchen actually always danced in the kitchen with their ex. Like, is that like. Because Dick used to say that he would be like, I just, you know, he was like I may just grab you. He told me this on the phone one time. He was like, I may just, like, grab you and start dancing in the kitchen one night. Not one time ever in four years did he grab me and dance in the damn kitchen.
But I still remember that. I still remember him saying that because I was like, oh, that's cute. And now. So now when I see it, I'm like, bull. I was like, what man's actually doing that? I'm sure there is one guys. I'm sure there is one or two men who actually do this, because I don't want.
We don't need people to be like, oh, my God, my husband dances with me in the kitchen. Or a man be like, I dance in the kitchen. I'm like, okay, great. But I guarantee you the vast majority of men are not dancing in the damn kitchen.
[00:36:02] Speaker B: Right?
[00:36:03] Speaker C: No, I think they just steal stuff off of other people's profiles. ChatGPT.
[00:36:08] Speaker A: Yep.
[00:36:09] Speaker C: But I think that in both female and males, that they do attach themselves to fantasy ideas. And I think sometimes that makes it harder for, like, especially women to, like, let go the of an idea of somebody where they first meet somebody. They put on this Persona at first, so they have this fantasy relationship with them, and then, like, come to find out that person's nothing like they thought they were going to be. But then it's really hard for them to let go of that person.
[00:36:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:36:36] Speaker C: Because they can't let go of the fantasy.
[00:36:37] Speaker A: Well, you want it back. Like, you. The person that you thought that you were with never actually existed. And that is, like, hard for you because you did see it at one point. It's just that you got to understand that that person wasn't really who they were portraying to be.
[00:36:51] Speaker B: It's manufactured. Like, sure, there are probably some men that dance in the kitchen, but being on a dating profile is really a form of branding. Like, putting that on a dating profile is really a form of branding yourself.
[00:37:10] Speaker A: Yeah, for sure. It's weird. I don't like it.
[00:37:14] Speaker B: Yeah. And that branding is manufactured, and people can latch onto that and believe it's chemistry. But chemistry is discovered over time, right?
[00:37:26] Speaker A: Yeah. It does take time. And a lot of people don't want to put in the time anymore. That's part of it. It's just like, no next.
[00:37:33] Speaker C: If it's too much fast, they're ready to move on.
[00:37:35] Speaker B: Yeah, Right. And dating apps, too, like, speed things up in the dating process because you're not going out there looking for someone. You're sitting on your couch Swiping.
[00:37:48] Speaker A: Yeah. Doom scrolling.
[00:37:49] Speaker B: Exactly.
And the final red flag, the final red flag is the I'm different from everybody else narrative. So some examples there were, nobody can handle me.
People can't tolerate me.
I'm the real one.
Everyone else is fake. So this creates a dynamic where future conflict can be blamed on other people's inability to, to understand them.
So, like, thinking back to the dating days, for me, one of the things that this, like, brought up is, I don't know if people like, say this anymore, but like back when I was a teenager and in my early 20s, it was like, promise you're not going to try and change me.
[00:38:43] Speaker A: Right. Yeah.
[00:38:45] Speaker B: She laughed at that because that sounds absurd.
As humans, healthy humans, we want growth, and growth involves change.
But then if you're in a relationship with that person and you ask them to make a change, they can throw back at you.
Well, I was already up front at the beginning that you weren't going to try and change me. And now you're trying to change me. And that's what a lot of these examples. These are the modern day examples of that.
[00:39:20] Speaker A: Yes. 100.
[00:39:22] Speaker C: Every one of those examples gave me the ick.
[00:39:27] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:39:28] Speaker C: As she read them, I was like,
[00:39:29] Speaker A: oh, yeah, it's so gross. And like, healthy people don't like, need to convince you that. Right, right.
It's just weird to be like, I'm different from everybody else. Like, I'm special and I need you to tell me that I am right.
[00:39:45] Speaker C: Nobody can handle me. You're right.
I don't want to handle you. Have a good day.
[00:39:49] Speaker B: Right?
[00:39:50] Speaker C: I'm good, thanks.
[00:39:50] Speaker A: I don't want to have to handle you. I want you to handle yourself.
[00:39:53] Speaker C: No, like, I need you to control yourself, sir.
[00:39:56] Speaker B: Right, right.
[00:39:57] Speaker C: Nobody can tolerate me. Well, yeah, me neither. Like, I'm not doing it either.
[00:40:02] Speaker A: Glad you know, because I'm also not doing it.
[00:40:04] Speaker C: Yeah. No, I'm out.
[00:40:06] Speaker B: Peace.
[00:40:07] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:40:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:40:08] Speaker A: There were definitely a lot, a lot of red flags.
[00:40:13] Speaker B: There were, there were a lot of red flags.
[00:40:18] Speaker A: Aren't you glad you're not dating and that you're happy married?
[00:40:21] Speaker B: I hear that too, and I read about it where it's like, you know, people who are dating in their 30s and 40s are like, if they were in a long term relationship or had gotten divorced, are like, oh my God, I got divorced. And this is what's out there. This is scary.
[00:40:44] Speaker A: Yeah. Literally terrifying.
[00:40:46] Speaker C: It's horrible out here.
[00:40:47] Speaker A: It is. But.
But not. But as you like, there are going to be some green flags right there Are okay.
[00:40:56] Speaker B: And, like, not everybody's gonna give you the ick, ick there. And there are men who have also done their work. There are men that go to therapy, and we.
[00:41:08] Speaker A: Stan, a man who goes through therapy would love that. We need more of that. We want more of that.
[00:41:15] Speaker B: Yeah, I think. I mean, you know me. I feel like anyone can benefit from therapy, and we need to normalize that more.
[00:41:23] Speaker A: Oh, absolutely.
[00:41:25] Speaker B: But some green flags that are worth noticing in profiles are those who share meaningful information about their lives that talk about hobbies and interests. Although I have heard from a friend who is on the dating app. So that, like, I don't know if it's the same in Alabama, but in Virginia, apparently everybody hikes, at least on the dating app.
[00:41:49] Speaker A: Yeah. I'm sure Colorado deals with that more than we do. I see a lot of motorcycles down here, which is an immediate no for me.
[00:41:56] Speaker C: But, yeah, I've seen a lot of hikes on the dating app, too.
[00:41:59] Speaker A: I mean, we do hike. I mean, we do have hiking. It's just not as common because you guys got Shenandoah and a lot of really nice places up there. We don't have that, but.
[00:42:07] Speaker B: Right.
Yeah.
[00:42:09] Speaker C: A lot of duck hunting and stuff, too. We got a lot of hunting.
[00:42:12] Speaker A: A lot of hunting and a lot of fishing. Lot of fishing.
[00:42:14] Speaker C: Always promises that they're going to take me, and nobody's took me.
[00:42:17] Speaker A: The picture of the holding the fish.
[00:42:20] Speaker C: I love fishing.
[00:42:21] Speaker B: That's disappointing, right? Because, like, that's an activity that people could do together that creates another threat. Another threat other than, like, bonding over emotional wounds.
[00:42:38] Speaker C: Lauren, let me take you fishing one time.
[00:42:40] Speaker A: I'll read a book while you fish. I'll read.
[00:42:44] Speaker C: There's such a reward when you finally catch the fish.
[00:42:47] Speaker A: No, I just want to eat the fish. I don't want to have to catch it. I don't want to do that.
[00:42:51] Speaker C: Skinning the fish.
[00:42:52] Speaker A: I don't want back in the water. I don't want to do the step that I have to do.
[00:42:56] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:42:56] Speaker A: Yeah, that's too much.
[00:42:57] Speaker C: We're not taking it with us. We'll stop by Food City on the way home.
[00:42:59] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:42:59] Speaker B: No.
[00:43:00] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:43:01] Speaker A: No.
What other. What other green flags did you notice?
[00:43:05] Speaker B: So when people mention family and relationships and not, like, looking for my baby mama, but, like, I have two kids, and we're very invested in, like, sports on the weekend or whatever it is their kids are into.
[00:43:24] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:43:24] Speaker B: You don't have to go into a lot of detail. Also demonstrating that, like, they have other healthy relationships. So mentioning friendships can be a green flag demonstrating self awareness, appearing content without a relationship.
So those, these are your profiles that don't come across as angry.
[00:43:52] Speaker A: Yeah, Yeah. I think that that's the anger part of it is very, like, strong.
[00:43:58] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:43:58] Speaker A: In dating apps. And I mean, I get it. I don't want to. I hate it too. But at the same time, like, that's the thing is like, I. I almost think that the people that are truly content and happy aren't on dating apps a hundred percent.
[00:44:10] Speaker B: And that's the problem.
[00:44:11] Speaker C: I really kind of wish that dating apps would just go away and like, people actually had to date the old fashioned way. Where you met somebody out in town, you know, you were at Walmart and you ran into a girl that you thought was pretty, you asked her out on date or whatever.
[00:44:23] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:44:24] Speaker B: I feel like that notion probably isn't even in people's minds when they're going to Walmart anymore.
[00:44:32] Speaker A: Yeah, they, they're trying to do some events here, like speed dating events. I actually saw one today that was like.
Which would be funny for us to go to just for content purposes. But so they have two different ones back to back. One is for 31 to 41 years old, and then the other one is 36 to 47. So I fall in both.
So I could, I could like, sign up for both of them and I could, like, go with the younger crowd and then go get the older crowd and just see, like, how cringy and awful it is.
[00:45:03] Speaker B: I just want to point out and be direct with you, Lauren, that you're not picking your focus on if you're doing that.
[00:45:10] Speaker A: I know, but it's funny because. I know, but you know, for me, I'm like, I don't even want to waste time doing it. But it's true. Like, I wish that there was just. They're really trying. They have another thing here in Huntsville where they're trying to push, like, pitching your friends, your single friends, like, have single nights. And so you get like different bracelets depending on, like, if you're married, but you're just like there for support with your friends or if you are single. And then the friends can make like a PowerPoint about you and like pitch you and stuff. So they're like, trying to bring back, like, in person, but it still all revolves around, like, technology and stuff. So it's still, still not the same as like when we were in college or like, even after college, like going to a bar and somebody would actually, like, come up to you and stuff. It's Just it's not dating apps kind of ruined it. But, you know, they're like, you said there are green flags out there. So, like, pay attention to those. Like the non aggressive behavior. The not the, you know, not ultimatums, not, you know, you'll do what I want. It's more just like, here's what I'm like, right. And if you like it, then swipe.
[00:46:11] Speaker B: Right, Right. And also people that focus on what they want and what they like rather than what they dislike.
[00:46:18] Speaker A: Right. Because then they're focusing on like hate versus happiness, you know, type situation.
[00:46:24] Speaker B: Right.
So a couple things that I feel like would be green flag language. Are open to meeting someone. Let's see if we click I enjoy and whatever.
They enjoy input there.
So the healthier profiles tend to be more curious or exploratory around dating versus demanding.
[00:46:52] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I mean, that being more curious is more interesting for women anyway. Like, we're going to be more interested in those than like, all these demands are going to be like, that's aggressive. Like, literally, I'm reading all these profiles. I was like, aggressive. Aggressive. Aggressive was the first word that came in my head every single time.
[00:47:09] Speaker C: Yes.
[00:47:10] Speaker B: I. There was one that I, like, looked at and I sent it back to you and I was like, oh, my God, Lauren.
[00:47:16] Speaker A: Yeah. Yeah. I was like, huh? It's a wild ride out here. It is. And I mean, obviously we're only seeing the one side. I'm sure there's women's profiles that follow these exact same situations where it's just like bitterness, angry and stuff. So, like, everybody just needs to, like, if you're not ready, then don't be on them.
[00:47:34] Speaker B: Right.
[00:47:35] Speaker A: Just don't be on them. That's why I'm not on them.
[00:47:37] Speaker B: Be on them. Be mindful about what you're communicating. So when you're reading someone's profile, ask yourself, are they describing their future or arguing with their past? Because people often reveal their emotional availability long before the first date, as well as their emotional maturity. And sometimes the biggest dating red flags aren't what people say, but what they can't stop talking about.
[00:48:02] Speaker A: 100, 100.
So I think because there, there's been men who will talk about, like, their ex or their baby mama over and over and over again, and you're just like, okay, yeah, like, I don't care. Or like, even if, like, nobody would want to go on a, like, go out with me if I continue to talk about Dick 24 7.
[00:48:22] Speaker C: Right.
[00:48:23] Speaker A: Like, nobody wants that. So now I'm gonna talk about my podcast all the time, so.
But it's also my hobby.
[00:48:30] Speaker B: And your podcast is separate from Dick.
[00:48:33] Speaker A: True. It is. It is. It has grown into what it has become, and we love that that it's grown into, like, more of, like, this profession. And, like, women can listen and, like, feel seen and feel heard and get advice, realize that they're in some abusive relationships that they may not have realized they were in. So, ladies, if you're listening to this episode. Episode, just make sure you pay attention to and you're actively dating. Make sure that you pay attention to these red flags and the, like, aggressiveness of the dating profile. Because if they're doing this, it's probably not the guy that you want to go out with.
[00:49:07] Speaker B: And I'm just gonna, like, drive this point forward as a final statement.
Also, be mindful about what you're putting out there, because what you're putting out there, you're gonna pull back in.
[00:49:18] Speaker A: Yep, 100%. I truly believe that if you put good vibes out, they're going to come back. Like, just don't be putting that out there. So.
Well, thank you, Suzanne, for coming on and talking to us about these dating profiles.
[00:49:31] Speaker C: Thank you.
[00:49:32] Speaker B: Always a pleasure.
[00:49:34] Speaker A: Yes. And we will have you on again. And everybody, we will see you next week. Bye, guys.
[00:49:41] Speaker B: Bye.
[00:49:42] Speaker A: This episode is proudly brought to you by the law firm Ryan and Rouse. If you or a loved one have been injured or need legal help for changing family circumstances, contact the personal injury and family law attorneys at Ryan and roustoday at 256-801-1000 or visit them online at www.alabamalaw.com. when your future is on the line, don't go at it alone.
