Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome back to Spill the Tea Unfiltered. Hey, guys.
And we are back once again with Suzanne Fortnum, our licensed professional counselor that we always have on the podcast.
How about you give us your disclaimer and then tell us about what we're going to talk about today?
[00:00:15] Speaker B: Sure. Hi, everyone.
So this podcast is intended for educational and informational purposes only. If you are experiencing mental health symptoms, you should seek the help of a licensed therapist. Your licensed therapist.
Today we are going to be talking about steps to healthy dating in the online world and beyond.
Just a few opening thoughts on this topic. Dating in 2026 is unlike any other time in history. We have more access to potential partners than ever before.
However, people are constantly reporting feeling more disconnected, more overwhelmed, more skeptical, and more discouraged when it comes to dating and finding a partner. And part of that is that the challenge isn't simply finding people. The challenge is finding meaningful connection in a world built on endless options.
So. So healthy dating today really requires a different skill set than it did 20 years ago. It requires being intentional.
[00:01:31] Speaker A: Yeah, I think it's hard today because a lot of people. I think people think they're being intentional, like, I'm gonna intentionally date, but then it's still, you have so many options, right? And everybody's constantly like, well, this is decent, but could it be better?
And then it's just like, you're just constantly wondering if you could get better and, like, searching for this perfect relationship that I don't. It doesn't exist. That's a fairy tale.
Um, so I think that that's, you know, it's. It's a hard balance of being able to figure or learning how to actually be intentional while dating.
[00:02:04] Speaker B: Right. And so that's really what we. I want to, like, dive into with you guys today, is how can we think about dating more intentionally?
[00:02:16] Speaker A: Perfect.
[00:02:16] Speaker B: Yeah. So I've outlined a few different ideas on how. How we can be intentional in dating. And the first concept I want to share with everyone is this idea of building a life you actually enjoy.
So a lot of times we think that healthy dating, or dating in general, starts when we get on the apps. But really healthiest dating start starts before we even download an app. It's being clear and reflecting with ourselves.
Do I enjoy my life as it is? Do I have friendships? Do I have hobbies? What are those hobbies? Are they hobbies I want to share with somebody else, or are they things that I want to keep just for me? Do I have purpose outside of dating? And that's a big one.
And then am I looking for a partner or are. Or a rescue?
[00:03:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:20] Speaker C: Yep.
[00:03:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:22] Speaker A: And I think that's something I. Because we've. We've seen people do it.
[00:03:25] Speaker C: Oh, 100%. Yeah.
[00:03:27] Speaker A: And I.
I think this is really important to. Because everybody needs to have a life that they are happy with and should be fully fulfilled, happy and content on their own. Right. Because if you're not happy with your own life because you. That means you're relying on somebody else, and that person's not guaranteed to be there.
[00:03:46] Speaker C: I've said it a thousand times. Like, you should be living the life that you enjoy and that when you bring a partner in, they should be able to share that life with you. But, like, your life shouldn't have to just change. Like, all of it shouldn't have to just change. Like, they should come in and be able to enjoy those things with you, but then you also still have the things that maybe you enjoy doing by yourself. Like, and that's okay, too.
[00:04:07] Speaker A: Yeah. Like, you should still be able to go to your book clubs. You should still be able to go hang out with your friends, like, and all that. And.
And if somebody's trying to be like, but I just want you to hang out with me, like, that's. No, that's toxic behavior. And we're not. And we're not doing that. But I think that it's just when you truly do, like, really enjoy your life, it's. I love it. Like, it's just one of those things where people all the time are like, aren't you going to be lonely? I'm like, no, because I'm not lonely now. Like, I have a great life. I have so much fun with my friends. And when I'm at home alone, I. That's my decompression time. Like, I'm fine with it. So you have to build, like, your own life that you enjoy. And then it should. The person coming in should add to it, not take away from it.
[00:04:50] Speaker B: Right. They should be not only complimenting you, but complimenting you in a life that you have that's already meaningful versus trying to find meaning in the relationship.
[00:05:02] Speaker A: Yeah. Trying to find meaning in a. In a relationship or in a man in general, it's just not.
That means you yourself are not healthy.
[00:05:10] Speaker C: Right. And a lot of times when you don't have, like, a healthy lifestyle, like, you're not happy with yourself, you're not happy with your life. Like, you're gonna find problems with your significant other. You're gonna be searching for problems maybe with Your job, like, because you're just not happy.
[00:05:25] Speaker B: Right, right. And so when we think about intentionality and bringing someone into an already meaningful life, it's really important that we get clear on what we want. And so many.
Oh, what they want.
[00:05:45] Speaker A: Yeah. And we already talked about that in. In our previous episode with you, where people put the whole, I don't know what I'm looking for, and it's like, then why are you on here?
[00:05:52] Speaker B: Right, right.
[00:05:54] Speaker C: My whole nerve.
Right.
[00:05:56] Speaker B: They're like, casual dating, companionship, marriage, life partner, blended family, adventure, travel, stability.
So clarity as part of intentionality really saves people time.
[00:06:11] Speaker A: Yeah. So you definitely need to, like, actually state and know what you yourself want.
[00:06:17] Speaker B: The purpose behind clarity is that clarity saves time.
[00:06:23] Speaker A: Yeah, it does. And I. And I mean, you should know, like, before you even start dating, like, know what you want. Like, are you just out here to have fun? That's fine. Just be honest about it.
[00:06:32] Speaker B: Right. So another thing to consider with dating.
I feel like I preach about this a lot on this podcast, but it's to date with curiosity and not fantasy.
So one of the biggest mistakes in modern dating is falling in love with potential, or not even falling in love with potential, but becoming attached to potential. Because attachment and love are two different things.
So instead of asking, could this be my person? Ask, who is this person?
Focus on observing, learning, and gathering information. Are there actions consistent with their words?
That's a big one.
[00:07:20] Speaker C: I think I've been guilty of this in the past.
[00:07:25] Speaker A: I think we all have.
[00:07:26] Speaker C: And this is probably why my dating history is so bad.
[00:07:30] Speaker A: Listen, guilty. Yeah, well, it's hard because I think we've.
We grew up with fantasy. We grew up with Disney. We grew up in a time where we were sold this, you know, fantasy. And so then we immediately, like, we meet somebody, and you immediately think, like, oh, this could be our future together. And you just jump straight into that instead of actually, like, paying attention to who that person is and what they're showing you and giving it and going slow and taking the time that you need to actually take.
[00:08:01] Speaker B: Right. And the not taking the time rushes us into conclusions about not only the person, but the potential future of the relationship, the future that we are envisioning because we're caught up in the fantasy.
[00:08:19] Speaker A: Yeah, it's definitely something that.
It's hard. It's a hard step. I think that this step is actually probably, to me, one of the harder steps to do when you're actually dating, because it is so ingrained in us to, like, think about.
Think about your Future, you know, like, even like all the old school books we read, like, going up, like, through high school and stuff. It would be like, you know, this person is wealthy, and so they would be good for you, you know, like your Jane Eyre's and like your, you know, Austin books and everything else. Like, it's always about focused on, like, the future that this man can provide you. This man has money, so he can provide you a future. This man has this, so he can provide you. So it's always like looking forward and not actually taking the time.
[00:09:07] Speaker B: Right.
And the other thing that, like, weighs heavily on this too, or, like, play actually probably plays a significant role, is a better way of saying it is that initial chemistry, right? Like, that chemistry results in us projecting a potential future. Because that feeling is so intense. But what that chemistry is really telling us is that there's attraction there. But the time put into the relationship tells you whether there's compatibility and whether or not that compatibility is sustainable or not.
[00:09:42] Speaker A: Yeah, for sure.
[00:09:44] Speaker B: And so I think that, like, leads us or this is like, a good segue into, like, another component of this to consider, and that's evaluating character over charisma or charm.
[00:10:04] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:10:04] Speaker B: Amber, you're laughing.
Have you experienced that, too?
[00:10:08] Speaker C: Oh, yeah. I mean, if you were gonna come on tonight and just pick on me, you should have let me know beforehand.
[00:10:15] Speaker B: I swear I'm not trying to.
[00:10:18] Speaker A: It's true, though.
This one hits me too, though, because it's. It's dick.
Like, he is a charmer. People all the time are like, but he's not. It's not like he's a model. You know what I mean? Like, he's not the most attractive person in the world, but he is a charmer.
[00:10:35] Speaker C: Yeah, because I didn't think he was attractive.
[00:10:37] Speaker A: But he charms so he can get your attention because he knows how to make you feel good. He knows how to charm you and stuff. So, yeah, I suck at this step. So let's talk about it.
[00:10:47] Speaker B: Well, and, like, what you're describing there also probably creates a sense of safety for a lot of people too, right? Where you're like, okay, like, this person's not that good looking, but they're charming.
And it's like, okay, if he's not that looking, does he really have, like, good game, right, with other people?
[00:11:10] Speaker A: He. He. And he has women lining up.
[00:11:13] Speaker C: Men do have the best game, and I don't get it.
[00:11:16] Speaker B: And I've heard, like, some of the most socially awkward men.
[00:11:20] Speaker A: And he is too, because he hates groups and he's really quiet. But if he's one on one, he's a great talker and a great charmer. He's completely different when he's one on one.
[00:11:29] Speaker C: Right.
[00:11:31] Speaker B: So if someone is coming across as charming, it's not necessarily a red flag.
But the thing to keep in mind is that true character takes time to reveal itself. So some things to just pay attention to are consistency, accountability, reliability, emotional regulation, and integrity.
Anyone can be impressive for a couple of dates.
[00:12:01] Speaker A: Shoot. Anybody can be impressive for like a year or two. Right.
[00:12:05] Speaker C: Firsthand.
[00:12:08] Speaker A: It eventually falls, though. It's like, those are definitely things to pay attention to.
[00:12:12] Speaker C: I'm sure consistency didn't last very long.
[00:12:14] Speaker A: No. Right.
[00:12:15] Speaker B: And.
[00:12:16] Speaker C: Or reliability.
[00:12:18] Speaker B: True character shows up repeatedly.
[00:12:20] Speaker A: Right. Yeah. This is definitely something to pay attention to for sure.
[00:12:23] Speaker C: I needed you like God, 10 years ago. Where were you a month? I needed you.
[00:12:29] Speaker A: I had her eight years ago.
[00:12:30] Speaker B: So you should have shared.
[00:12:33] Speaker C: I was out here in the wild.
[00:12:36] Speaker A: She was helping. She was trying to help me. And then. And then I still picked Dick. It's fine.
Um, it's okay because I did too.
[00:12:45] Speaker B: I'm laughing because I know the whole history of the production of Dick.
[00:12:51] Speaker A: Yeah, it's pretty bad. So then. Yeah. So what would be our next. What's another one to look for in healthy dating?
[00:12:58] Speaker B: So we did an episode recently on about like the dating apps and dating profiles. And so just something to keep in mind when you're putting together your dating profile and when you're looking at other people's dating profiles is dating apps should be used as a tool, not a lifestyle.
So apps are not relationships, they're not introduction platforms. Healthy dating app habits include limiting scrolling, taking breaks when needed, moving from conversation to real life interaction. Because if you're on the apps, you're not looking for a pen pal. Right.
[00:13:46] Speaker C: I sure hope Dick's listening to this episode.
[00:13:50] Speaker A: He listens every week.
[00:13:51] Speaker C: Rewind and listen again.
[00:13:54] Speaker A: Hey, Dick.
[00:13:57] Speaker B: No comment.
[00:14:02] Speaker A: He does need a break, though.
We know you're in Chattanooga. Hey.
[00:14:06] Speaker B: So the goal of online dating is to get offline. And I don't feel like everybody feels the same way about that.
[00:14:16] Speaker A: No, they don't. Because there's people that definitely just like, they're lonely and they want somebody to talk to and they're just filling their time talking to multiple people. And it. They don't have any desire to actually meet up out outside of it. I 100% believe that.
[00:14:31] Speaker B: Yeah.
And they're getting something from it. But what you're seeking, you're not getting.
And a lot of times in those situations, I feel like it's probably people are probably people on the receiving end are probably experiencing more of like that breadcrumbing that we've talked about before where it's like, I'm gonna throw you a little bit like, hey, how you doing? Wanna have a conversation tonight? Oh, and you might talk about stuff that feels deeply connected, but then it never, like, gets to the next level.
[00:15:02] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. And I think that that's an important step for sure. Because then what, what else are you doing? Like, you're just going to sit here in this virtual world forever.
But I think that that's just technology in general. People do it on video games. People do it, you know, on YouTube or Instagram, like, all those things. Like, it's just a constant.
We've gotten so used to communicating over technology that communicating a person is hard for people, which is crazy.
[00:15:25] Speaker C: It is.
[00:15:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:27] Speaker C: I don't know, even sometimes I feel a little awkward. I'm like, how do I have small talk anymore?
It's weird.
[00:15:33] Speaker B: Well, I think I don't have that problem.
[00:15:36] Speaker C: We know Lauren.
[00:15:38] Speaker B: We know.
[00:15:41] Speaker A: People are like, she won't shut up.
[00:15:43] Speaker C: We walk into Burn and she's talking to every single person. I'm like, I have one person here.
[00:15:48] Speaker A: I'm like, hugging. I'm hugging everybody. I'm like, hey, hey, our high fiving everybody.
[00:15:52] Speaker B: Like, how's it going? You're looking fabulous.
But I think, like, when things stay in that, like, written or text correspondence, it can make like, the initial meeting, if it ever gets to an initial meeting, feel more socially awkward too, because it's like, here's like, all of the stuff that I know about this person that I haven't met. And then I meet him and it's like, maybe it falls short or maybe there's extra anxiety because you've already created that future relationship in your head.
[00:16:27] Speaker A: That's true. So if you wait too long, then it's like, even. It makes it even harder to meet.
[00:16:32] Speaker B: Right, right.
So another thing to consider when trying to date intentionally is paying attention to how you feel.
Many people focus entirely on whether someone likes them.
But instead we should be reflecting on, do I feel comfortable? Do I feel respected? Do I feel emotionally safe? Do I feel heard? Can I be myself?
Your own emotional experience is the most valuable data you can get.
[00:17:08] Speaker A: She feels. She feels attacked again.
[00:17:10] Speaker C: Just did this whole podcast for me today.
I don't know, like, did y' all talk about this beforehand?
[00:17:17] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm just very intuitive.
[00:17:20] Speaker A: Yeah, she knows. She knows.
[00:17:23] Speaker C: Yeah. No, I'm definitely guilty of, like, I always have had low self esteem, so I always, like, before worrying about, like, looking at them, like, I'm like, okay, well, do they like me? Like, am I being cool enough? Like, am I pretty enough? Or whatever.
Right?
[00:17:38] Speaker A: Yeah. And I keep telling you, be nice to my friend.
[00:17:41] Speaker C: My friend's not nice to me.
[00:17:42] Speaker A: You're awesome.
[00:17:43] Speaker C: My six chins.
[00:17:45] Speaker A: Stop it. I can't with that.
Yeah. And I mean, I think it's. That's a good thing. It's. We got to turn it around from, like.
Well, I hope I'm impressing him. Like, no. Is he impressing me?
[00:17:57] Speaker B: Right?
Right.
[00:17:59] Speaker A: You need to impress me. We don't treat ourselves like we're the prize. Like, we should.
No, we should know that we're worthy and know that we are, you know, special to be with. So do they make me feel the ways that I should feel?
[00:18:13] Speaker B: Yeah. And I think, like, the Persona that you're describing, Amber, is. Is one that I call, like, cool girl Persona, where we feel like we have to be not high maintenance, not needing too much calling, just the right amount, giving the right amount of attention, but not too much. And that is exhausting. Like, if you take a look at your emotional landscape after you're out with someone and you're paying attention to all of that, you're probably exhausted.
[00:18:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:18:51] Speaker C: Dating's not a good time for me.
[00:18:54] Speaker A: She's like, it's not fun at all.
[00:18:55] Speaker C: Quite frank. I don't really like it.
[00:18:58] Speaker A: It's not fun at all.
[00:18:59] Speaker B: She says, so you would probably benefit from intentional dating.
[00:19:03] Speaker C: Probably. Or never dating again.
[00:19:05] Speaker A: And that's me.
I'm on that bandwagon.
[00:19:09] Speaker B: I mean, that that's an option just depends on what you want to do.
[00:19:15] Speaker A: Step seven is my. My attack.
[00:19:18] Speaker C: I told my therapist the other day that dating just makes me want to throw up now. And I was like, I don't know if, like, now. I was like, maybe I'm gay now. And she's like, you just finally reached the point that a lot of women have and, like, you just don't want to be with men no more. Right.
[00:19:33] Speaker B: There's a reason.
There's a reason why a lot of women are choosing to be on their own when they hit midlife.
[00:19:42] Speaker A: Yeah, 100%.
Yeah.
[00:19:47] Speaker C: Some of the happiest women I've known in my life were single.
I don't think I'm going down the wrong path here.
[00:19:55] Speaker A: No. A lot of the, like, older women that you talk to, they say, like, what's the Secret to happiness. And she says, don't get. They say don't get married.
[00:20:03] Speaker B: So I also think that there's a lot of like a lot behind the statistics where women who have lost a partner don't get remarried versus, like a Met. Men who have like lost their spouse tend to get married like pretty quickly. A lot of women are choosing.
And I think my grandmother was a really great example of that. I never knew like my grandfather, but she was good. She was able to provide for herself. She was, I'm from Canada. She was a snowbird. She'd spend six months of the year living down in Florida to escape the winters. She had a great life.
[00:20:50] Speaker A: Yeah, my grandma never got. I never met one of my grandfathers either. And she never got remarried and she was fine.
[00:20:55] Speaker C: Yeah, my nana, she never remarried.
She was single my entire childhood.
[00:21:00] Speaker A: Living her best life because they were probably like, that was exhausting. And let's not do that again.
[00:21:05] Speaker C: She might be like, what stems me to be like, ew, men. Because she always would say that. She would talk so much trash about men that like, I don't know, like my whole childhood I never thought that men were supposed to actually be good to women.
[00:21:17] Speaker A: I mean, because a lot, but a lot of them today are proving us that they're not. And there's a reason why, like she was warning me early, a 50 of women are choosing to stay single. And there's a reason for it. And it's because we're like, hey, we have community. And we finally started actually building our own communities too. And I think that's a lot of it is we're building our friendships and building our communities around each other. Instead of being male focused, we're being female focused.
[00:21:40] Speaker B: I think that's a huge thing. And I think like again, coming back to the intentional dating piece, women get to a point where they want to stop ignoring the small inconsistencies that they're seeing because it happens so much in relationships. So so many major relationship problems begin as minor concerns and then they emerge to like a bigger long standing pattern without people even realizing that. So some examples could be like frequent cancellations, inconsistent communication, lack of accountability, and stories that just don't quite add up, like, can I get together with you because of X? And you're like, but wait a minute, you said why two days ago?
[00:22:36] Speaker A: And then they gaslight. You said, no, I didn't.
Yeah, yeah, or this. And the stories that don't always quite add up with like, oh, I lost my job or I was working overtime but then, like, my money's not matching that and different. Yeah, yeah. The stories, man, they really didn't add up. And it just took me four years to get there. It's fine.
[00:22:55] Speaker C: He was coming home saying he lost his job.
[00:22:58] Speaker A: Oh, all the time. I mean, he. He would. Yes. Like, with this other Jasmine. There were like, seven. Yeah, there were like seven. He had seven jobs, I think, in the time.
[00:23:05] Speaker C: Lauren, I love you, but you should have been my friend back then.
[00:23:09] Speaker A: Well, he would say things like, oh, girl, they had layoffs. It turns out they didn't have layoffs. He quit. They.
When he was working the one job where he originally met you and you didn't remember him, he.
He got fired from that one, too. And. But he told me that he was going to just quit, you know, because he was, like, miserable and unhappy and everybody treated him horribly. And the lack of accountability counts for that, too. He never took accountability for everything. Everything was everybody else's fault, so. Right. Definitely pay attention to those. Those are something that will 100. Like, if I was to ever try to date again, those are things I pay attention to, honestly. They're also things I pay attention to in friendships because I'm like, yes.
If your stories don't add up or you're being, like, shady telling us that you're going to be one place, but then turns out you're on a date with somebody because you forgot where you were sharing the locations with us, I'm gonna call you out on it.
[00:23:59] Speaker B: Yeah.
I mean, I think this is important to apply to, like, all of our relationships.
And in hindsight, whether it is a dating relationship or a friendship, the red flags are rarely surprising.
When we look back and we're like, it was all there. It was just like, what was going on for me that I chose not to see it or that I couldn't see it.
[00:24:28] Speaker C: I was trying to be the cool girl.
[00:24:32] Speaker A: I was just blind.
[00:24:35] Speaker B: Or, like, people see them, but, like, find a way to explain them away.
[00:24:41] Speaker C: Oh, I do. Like, I make the most, like, excuses for somebody when I'm with them too. Like, I will make a thousand excuses for them. Oh, they didn't mean that. Or they.
[00:24:51] Speaker A: They're going through a hard time.
[00:24:52] Speaker C: They're going through a hard time. They had a hard life, but.
[00:24:55] Speaker B: Right.
[00:24:55] Speaker A: That was my thing. He had a hard childh.
[00:24:57] Speaker B: But we all got stuff.
[00:24:58] Speaker A: Literally.
[00:24:59] Speaker C: You can have a hard childhood and not be a shitty person.
[00:25:02] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:02] Speaker C: Right. Well.
[00:25:03] Speaker A: And at some point as an adult, you have to take accountability, like, for your own actions and not keep Harping and using what you. The trauma from your youth to fuel your behavior.
[00:25:13] Speaker B: Right, Right.
[00:25:15] Speaker C: Dick, rewind. Listen again.
[00:25:19] Speaker A: Exactly.
So step eight, let's get into that.
[00:25:24] Speaker B: So dating slowly enough to see clearly. So time, time, time. Because time reveals consistency.
Healthy dating is not passive. It's not like, I met someone and there's this chemistry, and we're gonna. We're gonna make it work no matter what.
When we live in that space, we can rush decisions that maybe we shouldn't be rushing.
So allow yourself time to observe how they handle stress, how they handle conflict, how they treat other people, and how consistent they are.
Rushing creates emotional attachment, but attachment, again, is not the same as love.
[00:26:19] Speaker A: Yeah, I think that this is something a lot of women struggle with.
Men too. But I think for women, like, they get attached very, very quickly because they don't date slowly enough. They're meeting kids within the second date or the first week. They're, you know, going and going on multiple dates and dropping all their friends and never spending time with their friends. You know, it's just. They're going way too fast. And then, you know, in my situation, like, Dick was moving in within a month. Like, absolutely not.
[00:26:49] Speaker B: Right.
[00:26:49] Speaker C: I think that's really, like, the way that society has molded dating, too. Now. It's like, hurry up and date somebody. Hurry up and get married. Get serious. Move in together. Marry each other. Sex on the third day. Like, it doesn't. Like, society hasn't set it up to move slow anymore. Like, people don't appreciate the value in that. Yeah, right.
[00:27:11] Speaker A: And I mean, a lot of people be like, well, the economy is too expensive, so where. That's why we're moving in together. And I think that's a lot of why people get rushed, because they're constantly moving in together because they say they can't afford to live.
[00:27:21] Speaker B: Right. And you know what? That's. That's like a bad game of musical chairs where you're, like, going around and you're the last two people standing when the music is going and you're looking at that chair, that chair metaphorically being housing. And you're like, let's just sit on it together, but nobody's comfortable. We're both falling off the chair. Yeah.
[00:27:45] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:27:45] Speaker A: Literally.
[00:27:45] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:27:47] Speaker A: And it sucks that, like, that people feel like they have to even be in that position. Like, that that's a bigger societal issue. But at the same time, like, don't just give in just because it might make your life cheaper for a little bit. But in the long run, it's Going to cause you more stress and more issues down the road anyway.
[00:28:03] Speaker B: Right, Right.
[00:28:04] Speaker C: Yeah, no, I'd rather live with like a roommate from roommates.com or something or
[00:28:10] Speaker A: like just a friend. Like, pick a friend.
[00:28:11] Speaker C: Yeah, pick a friend.
Right.
[00:28:13] Speaker B: Because with a friend or like a room, just a general roommate, that emotionality is not there in the same way.
[00:28:20] Speaker A: Right?
[00:28:22] Speaker B: Yeah. So a couple other things to consider when working to on dating intentionally is this is a big one and it is challenging to do. But can you expand beyond the apps? So many people rely exclusively on dating apps. But like, where are there opportunities to meet other people if you volunteer? Like, is there someone that you could meet during volunteer work?
Fitness communities, professional groups, faith communities, classes and hobbies, Friends and social networks. Some of the healthiest relationships begin through shared experience rather than what we see on a dating profile.
[00:29:12] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. I have some friends that have met in the world. We call it meeting in the real world. And they met.
A lot of them have met through.
They're all runners. And so they were just going to like all these running events and like fleet feet here does like a big run thing where they meet like every Wednesday night and go run and hit the pubs downtown.
And so they met through that. And there's always something. And I think that's something that people need to realize is there's so much out there to do. People are always like, oh, I have nothing to do. I'm like, no, there's a ton out there to do. You just actually have to look for it. And you actually have to be willing to go and you have to be willing to go alone. So therefore, back to what we were talking about previously. You need to have a life that you love. Right. And be comfortable with yourself and comfortable going out. I'll go to a movie alone. I'll go eat alone. I will do literally anything alone. I actually prefer to do most things alone.
[00:30:03] Speaker C: I can't talk enough about dating yourself.
[00:30:05] Speaker A: Yes. Yeah. And you know, then you're gonna make friends, you're gonna build those communities, you're gonna build those social networks, and you never know who that could lead you to. You never know who that's gonna connect you to.
[00:30:16] Speaker B: And like, with the idea of dating yourself, it that helps you to become the kind of partner that you hope to find.
So when you're dating yourself, you're able to reflect and ask yourself, am I emotionally available?
Am I self?
[00:30:35] Speaker A: Aware?
[00:30:35] Speaker B: How am I communicating? Am I getting my point across?
Am I willing to take accountability? Am I showing up consistently? Because that consistency Works in both ways.
And healthy dating isn't just about screening others. It's about becoming a healthier dater yourself.
[00:30:56] Speaker A: Oh yeah. And I think that's important. You need to, you need to get. You should be at that point. If you're not at those points, then there's no reason to even be on dating apps. If you're not emotionally available, go to therapy. Like, you know, you need to, you need to get right with yourself and your intentions before you even get on the apps because you're not going to have a healthy relationship otherwise. You're, you're gonna, it's gonna have issues from the beginning if you yourself are not in a position to be able to date in a healthy way. Right.
[00:31:27] Speaker B: And so the goal of dating is not to avoid getting hurt. The goal is to build skills necessary to recognize healthy connections when they appear. The healthiest daters aren't the ones who never experience disappointment. Some of the healthiest daters actually do experience disappointment and learn how to tolerate rejection as well, because that helps them remain open, grounded, and self aware and then continue to be intentional in the next relationship.
[00:32:04] Speaker A: Yeah, and I think that that's like a, like dating is gonna suck. Like, it just is. Like you're gonna get hurt. It's just part of life and part, you know, people disappoint you. And so that's just part of it.
And you have to go into it knowing that and being ready for that and okay with that. And if you're not, then just don't. That's. That means you're not ready to date and that's okay. But know that so that you don't do something so you're not putting yourself in unhealthy positions. Like, know that about yourself first and be self aware.
[00:32:38] Speaker B: Exactly.
So instead of just to end with like a question or a couple questions for self reflection, because so much of this episode has a discussion around connecting with yourself and, and being self aware.
Instead of asking, how do I find the right person? Consider the question, am I creating the conditions that allow a healthy relationship to grow for myself?
[00:33:11] Speaker A: I think that's a great question that everybody should.
Should.
Absolutely.
[00:33:17] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:33:17] Speaker A: Think about absolutely before they start dating or consider dating. So.
[00:33:24] Speaker B: And while they're dating.
[00:33:25] Speaker A: And while they're dating. Yeah. Like, make sure that that's something you're like, are you. We put two months of, again, too much emphasis on them. And like, are you. Am I right for them? Do they like me?
How do I find the right person for me? Like, or am I the Right person for them. Like, no.
What am I putting out there? What conditions are allowing me to build a healthy relationship and allow it to grow.
[00:33:48] Speaker B: Right.
[00:33:49] Speaker A: And I think that these were all great tips for healthy dating in 2026. And absolutely for me, healthy dating never. But I'm really happy for everybody else that we can put these out there for you guys.
[00:34:04] Speaker C: Never say never.
[00:34:05] Speaker B: I was just about to say you might change your mind one day.
[00:34:08] Speaker A: I could.
[00:34:10] Speaker B: No.
[00:34:11] Speaker A: Yeah, but no, I. I mean, I could. Like, everybody does, right? Like, we're constantly changing. We're constantly growing. We constantly, you know, are looking for, you know, new things and everything. But I think, as we said, be self aware. So, like, I know that I'm not going to be a good partner for somebody right now. So there's no reason for me to be. I'm a great friend. I got friend on lock. Like, if you're one of my girls, I got you.
But I'm not trying to.
To date, and that's okay. And I'm happy, but I'm happy with it. And I think that's one thing we got to get women to see is like, you need to learn to be happy in your own world and put. Because then you're just, you're. That energy is just gonna draw in good people, whether it's friends, whether it's a partner. Like, you're gonna bring good people into your life if that's the energy you're putting out.
[00:34:57] Speaker C: You're also not going to be so quick to let somebody infringe on your lifestyle and your life because you're happy with it. So you're not gonna let a man come in and absorb all your time because you have so many friends. You're so happy with your life. Like, it's going to have to be something that truly contributes to your life.
[00:35:14] Speaker B: Right, Right.
[00:35:18] Speaker A: Well, I think this was a great discussion.
[00:35:20] Speaker B: I do, too. Thank you guys so much for having me on again.
[00:35:23] Speaker A: Yeah, thanks for coming on. We always love having you and we'll definitely have you on again. So.
So that was like healthy dating in. In today's time. So we will talk to y' all next week. Bye, guys.
[00:35:38] Speaker B: Bye.
[00:35:38] Speaker A: This episode is proudly brought to you by the law firm Ryan and Rouse. If you or a loved one have been injured or need legal help for changing family circumstances, contact the personal injury and family law attorneys at Ryan and rouse today at 256-801-1000 or visit them online at www.alabamalaw.com. when your future is on the line, don't go at it alone.
